and then there is love

This last 8 weeks of toe/foot pain has been life altering.
It is so weird how one crazy event can crack open your life
and let all your fear come pouring out.

I didn't even know I was scared until it happened.
And now caught up in this ocean of uncertainty, I find myself casting about for dry ground.
A safe place to land and gently tuck all of my fears away.
But it seems like there will be no tucking them away any time soon.

Like I said...so weird.

I have found that pain and fear have stripped me down to my most vulnerable.
I am having to ask for help.
And I never realized how much I disdain asking for help.
Because I like to do life in my own time frame and on my own terms.

And Jesus is letting me be.
He is allowing me to sit in an uncertain place and just...be.
I am neck deep in "I don't knows".

I don't know when my foot will be completely better.
I don't know how long it will be before I can go grocery shopping by myself.
I don't know when I will really get walking with crutches down.
People still get nervous when I swing by them.
I don't blame them...
I think they see how wild my eyes look as I am looking around for the safest path to take.

This past weekend Scott and I got away for our 20 year anniversary.
It was so fun to be together.
And so crazy trying to adjust my expectations my new limitations.

We had to switch our hotel room to handicapped accessible room.
Hand rails are a gift from God.
And we based our restaurant decision making on whether or not I could easily launch
myself through the door.
My uneven gate invited conversation.
One man in a coffee shop looked at me and said,
"Both feet? Now that is unfortunate."
Yes...yes it is.
Another man tapped his own prosthetic leg and called out, "Be thankful you have two!"
I called back, "I am!" Then he said, "Stay away from motorcycles!" "Done!"
Motorcycles aren't even on the radar. Not even close.

But these last two months have been an epiphany for me, too.
What I am beginning to understand is that....I need people.
And that it is not a weak thing to acknowledge it.
It is an honest thing. And a true thing.

The morning of our trip I had a nervous breakdown in front of our boys.
I was trying to clean up the house before my mother-in-law arrived.
One of them asked me, "Mom, why are you so mad?"
In a very loud high pitched voice, I said,
"I am mad because there are so many things that I can't do that I want to do!"
Then I began to cry.
And Will said, "But Mom, can't we help you?"

There it was. Love.

This is what Jesus is trying to show me. For two months straight
I have been petrified...trying to figure out how I can do life
without doing life like I am used to doing life..

And He is saying, "Sue, you cannot make it without people loving you.
And taking care of you.
And when your foot heals and your toes heal...you still won't be able to."

Love. Love. Love.

Perfect love casts out fear.

That is my safe place to land.

With all my anxiety and toe pain.
Recognizing that I need help.
Understanding that I don't get to control outcomes.
Resting in the truth that I will be healed exactly when Jesus wants me to be healed.

And until then I can breathe in the truth that my friend Laurie speaks out,
"God is good and I am loved."