I had a dream the other night that I was teaching my Lit class.
I was wearing a long sweater....
but as I gazed towards the back of the classroom,
I could see I had left my pants and underwear on the floor near my desk.
Mid-nightmare, all I could think was, "I need those pants and underwear!"
Understatement of the year.
In my dream I raced back to my desk,
snatched up my clothes and ran out of the room,
hoping against hope, that my sweater was offering full coverage.
The only place on the school grounds that I could find to pull on my clothes
was a gardening shed....with a faulty lock.
That shed was like New York's Grand Central Station.
As I was trying to yank on my pants, people kept trying to walk in.
I kept yelling at the top of my lungs, "I am in here! I am in here!"
These are some deep-seated, Freudian fears being revealed here, folks.
I told my dream to my sister, Jenny.
After saying, "Oh, no!" at least 4 times, she said,
"I'm no psychologist but I would say you are feeling vulnerable."
Once again....understatement of the year.
Now I am not superstitious...
but I am double checking to make sure I am wearing pants every day.
Because several teachers have told me that teacher brain is even
worse than mommy brain. You forget a lot.
So far I have forgotten my phone...my wallet...and my lunch.
I am determined not to forget my apparel.
And I have enlisted the prayers of my dearest friends, sending out texts, saying,
"Please pray for me. I'm going down."
This took some courage. Because I want people think I am pulling this transition off.
I want people to think I have it all together.
(Which is weird since the friends and family that I texted
KNOW THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TOGETHER....ever.)
My unfettered dreams are showing the real picture.
I am operating out of vulnerable and fearful place in this season.
Which, if I think about it, makes me fit right in with my middle schoolers.
(Who wasn't completely freaked out in junior high????)
This verse keeps coming to mind...
"You will keep in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you."
Isaiah 26:3.
My mind has zero peace. It is not even close to being stayed on Him.
It is stayed on worry and anxious thoughts and a fear of lost pants.
I have always had control issues.
I struggle with trust.
But He promises if I trust Him? He will fill me with perfect peace.
That would be super great. Wouldn't it?
Sweet mercy. Yes. It would.
Our eyes are made to gaze in wonder on the God of the Universe.
Our hearts are designed to reside in a place of love,
knowing that we are cared and provided for.
Our minds are created for peace. Not heart-thumping, mind-numbing fear.
.
I need to rip my eyes off of my proverbial pants
(my lack, my anxiety, my people pleasing, my fear of the unknown)
and focus on the One who loves me most of all.
The One who doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."
The One who casts out fear with His mere presence.
I want to be "stayed on Him."
Stayed on His goodness and strength and purpose.
Stayed on His great love and hope and joy.
I want a shot of that perfect peace He is offering.
Don't you?
And...that really is....the understatement of the year.
2 comments:
Needed to be reminded of this. Sometimes it's so difficult to keep our focus on Jesus and His promises and not on situations that stare us in the face.
Just so you know, many others have felt your pain and survived.Take hope! Here's to one English teacher praying for another's survival. I've followed your blog and read your books for years, and I have prayed for you during this new phase of life. Pray for me as my husband has been called into the ministry? Change is hard, but, oh, the things it teaches me about myself. :)
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