I'll take a cup of coffee, hold the comparison and condemnation, please...

You guys.

I had this wild idea when we moved 4 months ago,
that the things I battled with for the last two years (fear, anxiety, sleep deprivation)
would ease up once I wasn't teaching anymore.

I thought once the stress was gone, I would go back to being the same old Sue.
The only problem is, I am not the same Sue.

The last season of my life re-shaped me. Challenged me. Left me doubting myself.
This new season finds me a little undone.

In this space of feeling vulnerable and unsure of myself,

I have felt some old thought patterns trying to edge their way back into my thinking.

I have been waking up in the morning with thoughts crowding my mind...

These thoughts say...
I should do better and be better at mostly everything in the world because I am failing 
pretty regularly at the things I hold most dear.

They tell me that I should be a....

Better mom. Better wife. Better Jesus follower. Better sister. Better daughter. Better writer. Better writing coach. Better friend. Better shopper. Better housekeeper. Better bill payer. Better money manager. Better blogger. Better gardener. Better church member. Better e-mailer. Better missions supporter. Better....better....better.....

And when I say "better" what I mean is that somewhere deep down....

I feel like
I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACHIEVE PERFECTION EVERY DAY IN EVERY AREA
of my life.

I compare myself with the version of myself that I think I should be....
and when I don't measure up to my own unattainable standard,
I sink into a bog of condemnation,
which sucks all joy and purpose out of my day.

That's all.

It's a rough way to start the day. I won't lie.

So this morning, as I sip my morning cup of coffee,
I just thought I would let you know,
these thoughts are stupid.
Truly illogical .
Could they get any more unrealistic?
COULD THEY?

You guys.

There will never be a day, this side of heaven, where I have the option of perfection.
I know that in my mind...but somehow the doubt and fear keep working their way into my heart.

The wildest deception of all is thinking that
I can actually attain and achieve perfection,
and maintain that state, every day of my whole life.

That sounds so much like pride...I don't know what else to call it.
Dumbness? Crazy Pants Talk? Ridiculousity?
(I made that one up but I am going to start using it.)

Where is this load of inner prideful poppycock coming from????

I think in these last few years with all the changes with our family,
our church, and the stress of a new career...

I can look back and see where I failed. All the things I would have done differently if I could.
In those days of high stress, I was irritable, angsty, tired, depressed, and short-tempered.
I didn't have the grace or the bandwidth to be the kind of wife and mom I knew I should be.
My family bore the brunt of my stress.

I wasn't the person that I wanted to be then...
and I don't know how to remedy that now.

But the Person Who loves me most of all?
He isn't having it.

All this crazy talk about trying to be perfect? He isn't standing for that nonsense.

He calls me out in His word.

Romans 3:23 doesn't say,
For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God....except for Susanna?
Nope. It doesn't.
The Bible also doesn't say if Susanna tries hard enough she will become perfect
and be able to handle all that life brings her way...
the good, the bad, and the ugly...on her own.

I've looked. It's not in there.

Jesus knows I am not perfect.
He is simply holding out His arms, in this season of doubt and fear, and reminding me...
that I am His.

He knows I am going to make mistakes...until the day I die.
That is a given.

But He has a different plan than beating me over the head with my failures.
He has decided that He is going to love me and lead me in His way,
changing me from the inside out...one angsty moment at a time.

This life is not about me being perfect. It is about my life bringing Him glory.
Am I going to let Jesus do what He wants to do in and through me, despite my failures,
sins, and fears?

Pride is all about me, but He is all about love.

He is all about mercy and forgiveness and joy and peace.

He sets the standard.
He gets to decide who I am.
He gets to re-shape my life with His grace.
He gets to remind me that perfection is out, but healing and hope are in.

He is meeting me...and you...right here...right now...with a strong dose of love.
An ocean of love.
A love so big that the universe cannot and will not ever contain it.

And if we lean into it, we don't have to be the same anymore.

And there is nothing ridiculous about that.