Warning to Farmers, Toddlers, and Hipsters: You Might Not Want to Wear Overalls On Your First Flight after COVID...just sayin

This past week my youngest, Addison, and I got to fly to Colorado to be with my mom 

while my dad flew to Washington D.C. for a speaking engagement. 

It was our first plane trip since COVID hit last year. 

We were ready. We had our backpacks. Our snacks. And our masks. 

As we were leaving the ticketing counter with our boarding passes, 

a young lady approached us and and said,

"Hi, I overheard you are going to Denver. Do you mind if I walk with you? 

This is my first flight since I was 13."

I said, "We don't mind at all. How old are you now?"

"18. I'm a little nervous. I heard Denver is a huge airport."

Addie walked in front of us as we chatted.

"You don't have anything to worry about. 

Even though it is big, they have really good signs. You will get where you need to go."

She asked,"And people can answer my questions?"

"Yes. They will be super helpful."

As we went through the security line, I told her, "Security might be a little different since the last time you went through. They have a machine that scans your body now."

"Really."

"Yep. You just hold your hands up in the air. It scans you and you are free to go."

"I don't mind. I'm glad they are doing things to make sure people stay safe."

"Me, too."

Addie stepped through the scanner.

I followed him. 

But as I exited, the TSA agent said, "Maam, I'm going to pat you down."

Addie was standing in front of me. The girl walking with us had come through the scanner 

and was standing behind me at this point. 

"Oh. Okay."

I was wearing overalls and a t-shirt. Maybe the metal buttons had triggered something. 

Maybe they were too baggy. Who knows. 

She proceeded to tell me with a smile, "I am going to have to pat down your chest. 

Do you want to go to a private area?"

I really didn't. That made it weird. 

Whatever patting down was going to take place, was going to take place in view of the public as far as I was concerned. 

"Nope. I'm fine here."

She then proceeded to pat down my sides and my back. Totally fine.

Addie and the girl were watching as I was searched.

But then things took a turn.

She stood and faced me, eye-to-eye.

She began a full-frontal pat-down.

The thoroughness with which the TSA agent patted

down the upper region of my body caught me off-guard.

This was no simple frisking. There as a point where I thought,

"I'm pretty sure you went over that area before. Calm down, sister."

I laughed nervously and said, "Wow! You're really going for it."

She also laughed nervously but then we both went silent in the awkwardness of the moment.

Addie told me later that it was at this point that he turned away.

"Mom, you shouldn't have talked. Just be quiet when you are getting patted down."

"Dude. I wasn't trying to talk. I was caught off-guard. That was a whole lot of patting."

The young girl behind me was also silent during the entire exhange.

What made it worse was that after the ultra-invasive pat down, 

the lovely TSA agent and I had to stand and wait, still face-to-face, 

while she tested the residue from her pat down on a strip of paper in a machine.

Just to make sure that I hadn't nestled a bomb or detonator in my pockets 

or in the nooks and crannies of my undergarments.

I hadn't. I promise.

Finally, she gave me the all clear. 

Looking back I feel like she should have been more direct with her pat-down warning, 

offering not a private room for the pat down, but a full-blown explanation like:

"Look. Whatever you thought a pat-down was before, this isn't it.

This is going to be weird. 

When I say, I am going to pat you down. I mean I am going to PAT YOU DOWN. 

More than you have ever been patted before. 

You will feel awkward. I will feel awkward.

 All the people in line around you will also feel awkward. 

But we are doing this to keep our country safe. So let's get it over with."

Then maybe I wouldn't have humiliated myself and my son and some random girl

by calling attention to the extreme vigor with which I was being patted down. 

Hindsight is 20/20.

It is safe to say that I will never see the young girl who walked the security line with us again.

She was off like a shot as soon as she could be. 

I get it. I told her she had nothing to worry about. Apparently, I lied.

No one wanted to see what went down in that security line. Me included.

Needless to say, I did not wear my overalls on the flight back home yesterday.

Lesson learned, TSA. 

Overalls are out. High-waisted jeans and fitted t-shirts are in.

All that to say, whenever your first flight after covid takes place, folks, go with God.

You're going to need Him.