Wednesday, October 26, 2016

this is us

20 years ago, on this very day, Scott and I took hold of each other in marriage.
Marriage is a rollercoaster-y kind of journey
But we haven't let go yet.
It has been exhilarating and breath taking.
And there has been some screaming involved...a few turns we never saw coming.

But there is no other person in this galaxy that I want to be tethered to.
Scott is the one for me.
He is my best friend.

The person in the world who makes me laugh the hardest.
The one who listens to my heart and comforts me.
The one who challenges me and makes me think.
The man who taught me what goodness and hope looks like.
I can't get enough of him.

I think it was G.K. Chesterton who said,
"Marriage is an going to war."
And we have fought this war of togetherness, side by side, for 20 years.
We have fought for love and understanding and grace.
And we have fought against anger and distance and unforgiveness.

Every day we wake up and get to choose each more time.
We don't always get it right.
But we are still the right ones for each other.

My heart still does little flips when he looks at me and says, "You are cute."
They aren't the same kind of heady, dewy eyed flips of two decades ago.
They are the grounded, solid, we've-been-through-some-crap-together-but-I-still-like-kissing-you
kind of flips.
The good kind.

My sister, Jenny, asked me this morning, "How does it feel to be married for two decades?"
And I said, "Accomplished."
Who knew we could do it? It happened only by the grace of God,
Because we are still struggling, learning, mistaking and scrambling to get this thing together.
We are not there yet. Not by a long shot.
But together, we are becoming who Jesus meant us to be all along.

We have twenty years of road behind us...I hope we have at least forty more to go.
I don't know what the journey holds...but whatever it brings...
I want us to be holding on to each other.
Because Scott is what loves looks like to me.

Monday, October 17, 2016

and then there is love

This last 8 weeks of toe/foot pain has been life altering.
It is so weird how one crazy event can crack open your life
and let all your fear come pouring out.

I didn't even know I was scared until it happened.
And now caught up in this ocean of uncertainty, I find myself casting about for dry ground.
A safe place to land and gently tuck all of my fears away.
But it seems like there will be no tucking them away any time soon.

Like I weird.

I have found that pain and fear have stripped me down to my most vulnerable.
I am having to ask for help.
And I never realized how much I disdain asking for help.
Because I like to do life in my own time frame and on my own terms.

And Jesus is letting me be.
He is allowing me to sit in an uncertain place and
I am neck deep in "I don't knows".

I don't know when my foot will be completely better.
I don't know how long it will be before I can go grocery shopping by myself.
I don't know when I will really get walking with crutches down.
People still get nervous when I swing by them.
I don't blame them...
I think they see how wild my eyes look as I am looking around for the safest path to take.

This past weekend Scott and I got away for our 20 year anniversary.
It was so fun to be together.
And so crazy trying to adjust my expectations my new limitations.

We had to switch our hotel room to handicapped accessible room.
Hand rails are a gift from God.
And we based our restaurant decision making on whether or not I could easily launch
myself through the door.
My uneven gate invited conversation.
One man in a coffee shop looked at me and said,
"Both feet? Now that is unfortunate."
Yes...yes it is.
Another man tapped his own prosthetic leg and called out, "Be thankful you have two!"
I called back, "I am!" Then he said, "Stay away from motorcycles!" "Done!"
Motorcycles aren't even on the radar. Not even close.

But these last two months have been an epiphany for me, too.
What I am beginning to understand is that....I need people.
And that it is not a weak thing to acknowledge it.
It is an honest thing. And a true thing.

The morning of our trip I had a nervous breakdown in front of our boys.
I was trying to clean up the house before my mother-in-law arrived.
One of them asked me, "Mom, why are you so mad?"
In a very loud high pitched voice, I said,
"I am mad because there are so many things that I can't do that I want to do!"
Then I began to cry.
And Will said, "But Mom, can't we help you?"

There it was. Love.

This is what Jesus is trying to show me. For two months straight
I have been petrified...trying to figure out how I can do life
without doing life like I am used to doing life..

And He is saying, "Sue, you cannot make it without people loving you.
And taking care of you.
And when your foot heals and your toes still won't be able to."

Love. Love. Love.

Perfect love casts out fear.

That is my safe place to land.

With all my anxiety and toe pain.
Recognizing that I need help.
Understanding that I don't get to control outcomes.
Resting in the truth that I will be healed exactly when Jesus wants me to be healed.

And until then I can breathe in the truth that my friend Laurie speaks out,
"God is good and I am loved."