Wednesday, May 7, 2008

beauty pep talk #1

I had a revelation while washing my face tonight.
I am having fantastic success in the realm of beauty.
Because my beauty products have the best intentions for me.
They really do.
Here are a few things that my beauty investments are doing for me.
Clearly, I am defying my age since it says so right on the front of
my facial cleanser, Olay Age Defying Daily Renewal. 37...I defy you.
I now declare myself renewed and 36 and 3/7 years of age.
Clearly, my body is becoming more firm even as I sit here typing since
I slathered on Booths Apricot Oil Firming Body Lotion.
It says on the label it has cellulite busting caffeine and intensive emollients.
It's like the skin on my thighs have had a nice rejuvenating cup of coffee
and a facial...with emollients...and not with relaxed, laid back emollients...
but with really driven emollients whose whole goal in life is that my thighs
are ripple free. I love you, emollients, I really do.
I believe this lotion will restore the years that the locusts (3 childbirths)
have stolen. Can I get an amen?
Even now, as I hold my leg in a certain light, I can no longer see
its dimpled appearance...especially when I close my eyes.
And let us not forget my Rimmel Hide the Blemish Concealer, that is effectively
concealing my under eye circles as well as the twin blemishes that lit on
either side of my nose last Sunday like the horns of a goat.
Effectively concealed. Yes, they are.
So many of you were worried about my beauty regimen
with the bang incident and all. You were afraid I would never recover.
Clearly, that is all in the past.
The next time you see me, I will be 29, firm skinned, blemish free
and bright eyed with nary a dark under-eye circle in sight.
If by chance you are feeling a bit "less than" in the beauty arena
and need a little pick me up, read your moisturizer.
You are sassier than you think.
Look in your mirror and say,
"Girlfriend's got it going on."
And you do. It says so right on that label.

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Jessi said...'s always nice to start the day off with a laugh. Thanks!

Sophia Sparx said...
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Kara said...

Cracking up right now! I think my favorite 2 lines would have to be "blemishes that looked like the horns on a goat" - nice word picture, and "I can't even see the dimples anymore.....especially with my eyes closed". That's awesome.

I know. Why do we get so easily convinced by these marketing traps that all of these amazing things they claim will magically happen to us when we use their special products? I thought I was smarter than that. Oh well. I better run. I have got some micro-dermabrasion to do on my face right now and Oil of Olay clearly states that I will remove 10 years from my aging decrepid face in 6 weeks! :-)

Kelly @ Love Well said...

This is brilliant, as usual.

I hope you don't get so young and non-dimpled that you can't type anymore. Because that would be a tragedy.