I am having fantastic success in the realm of beauty.
Because my beauty products have the best intentions for me.
They really do.
Here are a few things that my beauty investments are doing for me.
Clearly, I am defying my age since it says so right on the front of
my facial cleanser, Olay Age Defying Daily Renewal. 37...I defy you.
I now declare myself renewed and 36 and 3/7 years of age.
Clearly, my body is becoming more firm even as I sit here typing since
I slathered on Booths Apricot Oil Firming Body Lotion.
It says on the label it has cellulite busting caffeine and intensive emollients.
It's like the skin on my thighs have had a nice rejuvenating cup of coffee
and a facial...with emollients...and not with relaxed, laid back emollients...
but with really driven emollients whose whole goal in life is that my thighs
are ripple free. I love you, emollients, I really do.
I believe this lotion will restore the years that the locusts (3 childbirths)
have stolen. Can I get an amen?
Even now, as I hold my leg in a certain light, I can no longer see
its dimpled appearance...especially when I close my eyes.
And let us not forget my Rimmel Hide the Blemish Concealer, that is effectively
concealing my under eye circles as well as the twin blemishes that lit on
either side of my nose last Sunday like the horns of a goat.
Effectively concealed. Yes, they are.
So many of you were worried about my beauty regimen
with the bang incident and all. You were afraid I would never recover.
Clearly, that is all in the past.
The next time you see me, I will be 29, firm skinned, blemish free
and bright eyed with nary a dark under-eye circle in sight.
If by chance you are feeling a bit "less than" in the beauty arena
and need a little pick me up, read your moisturizer.
You are sassier than you think.
Look in your mirror and say,
"Girlfriend's got it going on."
And you do. It says so right on that label.