attain a bikini perfect body in under 24 hours by chewing on watermelon seeds.
They just suck me right in. I love looking at the before and after
pictures of the women who lost 57 pounds who used to wear mu-mus in the water
and now sport itsy bitsy swim gear and wear high heels to the pool.
I always wonder if they actually wear their high heels to the pool.
I know that high heels elongate the calf but there is a price to be paid.
At some point fashion and poolside visits don't mix.
I know if I wore high heels to the pool I would hit a patch of wet cement
and be sent to an untimely swim in the deep end.
I remember trying the bikini + high heels look for myself
but I kept to the safety of my parent's bathroom.
The summer of my 14th year I recall trying on my mom's two piece,
a kind of Esther Williams-ish number in periwinkle blue,
and donning my white pleather pumps with bows.
I then proceeded to sing songs into the mirror with a hair brush.
Because I am a firm believer that if you wear a bikini and high heels,
you should be ready to belt out a song.
Like Annette Funicello, in those 1960-s Beach Blanket Bingo movies.
I was mesmerized by my mom's swimsuit.
We were never allowed to wear 2 piece bathing suits but one summer,
my mom bucked the system and bought the two piece,
which I think showed all of 2.3 inches of her midsection, for our vacation.
I hearted that swimsuit. Yes, I did.
But now that I can choose my own swimwear, you will not see me in a two-piece.
Unless it is a full coverage tankini.
Because that would offend the faculties of those poolside.
I now pick swimwear not based on how much flesh can be bared
but on the swimsuits sheer suck-age power.
How will the bathing suit fabric suck in the abundance of flesh
that I have going for me.
My sister, Erica, said she and her friends were having a conversation
about when to say when. When to call it quits with parading about in swim wear.
When to say you are you too old to don a swimsuit and lounge at the pool.
I say never. You get yourself a good suckage swimsuit, a sturdy pair of
no-slip flip-flops and enjoy one of the greatest sensations God ever blessed
us tired supergirls with.
The ability to feel weightless while floating in pool.
Now, that's something a girl could sing about.
With or without high heels.