Friday, January 29, 2010

do over

Remember when you were playing four square as a kid and your serve went hinky because
someone knocked into you right as you were getting ready to bounce the ball and
everyone playing the game knew,
"Hey - that's not fair - let's give her another turn since clearly she was at a disadvantage...
Do over!"
I would have liked a chance to do over this morning.
Somehow the fact that Jack has shot up over night and his pants are so short they look like knickers,
the amount of bills due today,
the lack of sleep,
the fact that Addison still cries when he goes to school,
the guilt over the fact that I work and send Addison to school 4 full days out of the week when I only sent his brothers 2 half days when they were the same age,
the state of my bangs - they are so long I can almost chew on them,
(I want to cut them myself but I am holding tightly to the no-cutting vow I made Scott after the bangtastrophe of 2008),
the lack of clean clothing and largeness of the laundry pile,
the neediness of my children when it comes to getting ready for school,
(why am I the only one who can find clean socks in the morning?)
and the thought that Will and Addison are both wearing underwear one size too small for them,
sent me right over the edge this morning.
I did not handle this morning's pressure with aplomb. I handled it mostly with anger.
I'm pretty sure even Jesus was caught off guard by my poopy pants attitude
After howling at the children because, for crying out loud, I can't do everything around here and can't they get their own breakfast beverages...
that always adds a nice touch to family meal was my turn to cry.
Which is never good when you are making makes the bread soggy.
I felt like taking a good step back and saying,
"Did anyone else just see what happened?
This is not who I meant to be when I climbed out of bed this morning.
Can I get a do over?"
After apologies all around, (Sorry, Jack. Sorry, Will. Sorry, Addie.)
The 4 boys in my family chose to love me anyway. With some grace and forgiveness.
With some hugs and kisses and questions,
("Why are you so sad this morning, Mom? Are you crying? I love you, Mom.")
and a starbucks picked up on the way home from taking the boys to school,
(Scott knows that coffee is my love language.)
From where I sit mid-morning at my kitchen table, even after the chaos,
a morning soaked with grace and forgiveness seems an awful lot like a do over.

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Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Oh Susanna, this post made my eyes sting.

I have so been that person. I'm sorry you had a rough start, but thank God for forgiveness and grace, eh? I don't know where I'd be without it.

Love your transparency.

Girly Muse said...

I love, love, love this post. Every last bit of it.

Thanks for sharing the nitty-gritty even when it's not so pretty. (For you, Sue Lo, I rhyme.

The last line took my breath...

sister sheri said...

Poopy pants attitude? Oh, I have so been there, sister!

I am so glad that the do over came so quickly. Most of the time I have to wait 24 hours for mine.

Amy Liz said...

Sadly, that sounds like a lot of mornings at my house (and I always feel like I'm apologizing to someone about something). I, too, am so grateful for God's grace and the unconditional love of my three little ones.

sandra said...

"His mercies are new every morning"... what an Amazing and Precious God we have. Starbuck's from heaven, nice move Scott! :)

Bronwen said...

Oh do I ever relate to this. Thanks for writing it. And for sharing the humbling that came toward the end. (hooray for Scott and coffee). xo

melpbaby said...

This is the anthem of all women and mothers in this world...I'm sure of it! And I'd like permission to use the word "bangtastrophe" again. Priceless. Thanks for this post.

Lora said...

I feel like you just climbed inside my head, Sue, and posted thoughts from one of my many days like that. I've even had entire years that I wished I could do over :) Well, it's a messy life. And you have lots of company in it! Thank God for his grace!!

Beth said...

Sue I love this one!!!!! I need a "do over" and I want to be able to give "do overs" to everyone around me:) THANK YOU!

amyrehnae said...

sounds just like me last night...where does the anger come from? and why can i not just see, before it gets out of my control, that it's really hurt and overwhelm. sigh. feels good to know it's not just me, though...continually asking for forgiveness and grace for next time.