This past week I have been struggling in my mind.
It's like the WWF has taken up residence in my brain with my thoughts
taking turns pummeling each other.
In one corner lurk all the longings and desires that I have for myself and my own life.
In the other corner linger some hard truths, the facts that I don't know what the future holds
and the impression that I need to yield myself to God no matter what the outcome.
It is an easy thing to say to each other,
"You just need to give it over to God. He is in control."
The words slip so easily off of the tongue.
And the words are right and true. God is in control.
But it is an entirely different story to say it then to actually
rip one's heart free from the hopes and dreams that have consumed your thinking
and offer them back to the One who gave them to you.
Sometimes the dreams that we have for ourselves, even the dreams God has
placed within us, grow so large we can't see anything else.
I told my sister, Jenny, on the phone today,
"Somehow I have to let go of my expectations and embrace the life that God is offering me."
And she said, "Yes....that is what we all have to do."
She is very wise.
I was out to coffee with my friend, Stephanie, the other day and she told me,
"I had to give back to God the thing I wanted most."
The thing she wanted most was to go be a missionary in a Muslim nation.
Now that is a high calling. A rock star dream. A noble and good purpose.
Why would God want her to give up that dream?
I don't know. But I do know that when I am holding so tightly to a thing that I want,
even a noble and good thing, I can start becoming obsessive and weird about it.
(Think Gollum from Lord of the Rings..."Precious...my precious"...you get the picture.)
And when I am clinging to my hopes and dreams, I am no longer clinging....to Him.
So this morning at my kitchen table, with my cup of coffee steaming next to my laptop
and a light rain drizzling on the patio,
I am saying this, "God, these things I want. The dreams that you planted in me.
The hopes that I am longing for. The desires that have shaped and driven me.
I am taking them (i.e. ripping my tightly clutching fingers off of them)
and handing them back to you."
Tears brushed aside. And a long exhaled breath. I know it is all for the best.
His hands are the only ones big enough to hold them.