Wednesday, December 12, 2012


My favorite shoes to wear in the winter are riding boots.
They are warm, Ralph Lauren-ish, and who knows....
someday I may need to jockey a run away horse and they will come in handy.
My last couple pairs of riding boots have been pleather...
because it is hard for me to commit to buying anything that costs over $25.
But I have come to find that $25 boots get you about $25 worth of boot.
This last year the heel of one boot was flopping behind me like an open mouth
and the zipper kept getting stuck mid-calf.
I told Scott that I would like a nice pair of boots this Christmas.
Real leather. I know. I am going over the top.
What this actually entails is me trying on lots of pairs of boots
and then directing him to the exact pair that I want.
So I headed out last night to my go-to stores...Ross, Marshalls and T.J. Maxx.
I tried on a lot of horrible boots. And by horrible, I mean, tight.
I cannot be enclosed in a boot that is difficult to get off the foot.
This induces a rapid heartbeat and a rising panic in the chest.
Any time I can't get an article of clothing off easily,
I start to see my life flash before my eyes.
I had a run-in with a body shaper a few years that left me almost
It was so tight that my arm got stuck in a raised position near my ear.
I thought I was going to pass out and they would find me half dressed,
passed out amidst the lint balls on the dressing room floor.
I'm clothes-strophobic...I knew this....I just didn't realize it applied to footwear.
Last night I tried on a boot in Marshalls that almost did me in.
I have a narrow foot so I am not sure who it was built for....
a person with feet the width of pencils possibly.
As soon as I slid my foot into the toe I realized I was not going to be
able to extract myself easily.
I tried to remain calm but after multiple methods of trying to pull it off,
I was up on my feet, hopping, trying to use the toe of my other foot
to hold down the heel.
I had a brief moment where I thought of whipping my knee back and
forth like a clogger from the hills of Appalachia but thought I might
take out some overhead lighting when the boot shot free.
I finally wrenched the boot free with both hands and freed my foot.
I looked up to see the sales girl behind the dressing room counter staring at me.
I gave her a half smile, shelved the offending boots and fled the scene.
I think one thing is clear...this winter I am wearing Birkenstocks.


Lori Riffe said...

Bahahahahahahaaaa! I totally know what you mean! I have this same experience trying on 'yoga' tops and anything with a lining. If you have a DSW nearby, check them out for boots.

Shane Couch said...

Hilarious! Yes, I agree with Lori, check out DSW...and bring some help! (me)
Did I ever tell you about the time an ambulance came after I dislocated my knee cap in a dressing room? Jumping on one foot while trying to squeeze into a pair of pants did me in. Those places are dangerous! He He
Keep Calm and Carry on friend :) marty