Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Dear Target (and Old Spice....)

Dear Target,

First off, I would like to apologize for what I did
to your men's toiletry section yesterday.
I went there with the best intentions.
With a teenage boy and a pre-teen boy in the house now,
things in the smelly arm pit department are ramping up.
Soap is not enough.
Deodorant needs some backup.
All I wanted was to find a remedy to stem the gag reflex that I keep having
when the boys get in the car after a long day of playing outside.
All I wanted was to show my children how embracing hygiene
promotes long lasting friendships.
When I unleashed the burst of Old Spice body spray into the aisle
to catch a whiff of its scent, I had no idea it would spread like mustard gas,
causing shoppers to flee the aisle in search of oxygen.
I cleared the aisle of all shoppers in less than 20 seconds.
You probably noticed a loss of sales in men's toiletries yesterday.
It was probably due to the mushroom cloud of Wolfthorn Body Spray
hanging over the whole body products section of the store.
By the way, Old Spice, what in the name of heaven do you put in that spray?
It made me want to claw out my eyes..
And I am not sure that Wolfthorn is your best bet on product names...
I am trying to overcome a wild animal smell in my children...not embrace it.
Back to you, Target,
I bent myself in half to escape the toxic fumes, grabbed my 8 year old's hand
and my cart and fled the scene into produce.
I could still smell the overwhelming scent amid the apples and oranges...
probably because it had worked its way into my pores...maybe into my DNA by this point.
The only thing that helped was finding my way to the Christmas section and
staring at turquoise mercury glass.
It was so happy it made me forget my breathing issues.
Addison finally said, "Mom, stop staring at it. Let's go."
And I said, "But it's so shiny."
By the way, Target,
I will be resisting your siren call of Christmas items with your adorable pillows and
your sparkly lights. It is not even Thanksgiving yet. Have some mercy on us.
So, anyway, just wanted to clear things up so that we could continue
our loving relationship.
I will try and refrain from releasing anymore noxious body sprays in
your store in the new future.
Thanks for being who you are and taking all my money.
I love you.

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