Thursday, February 19, 2015

7 Horrible Things I Would Rather Do Than Help My Children With Science Fair

It is that time of year again.
The time children gnash their teeth
and parents pray for Jesus to come back
so they won't have to work on science fair projects again.
This year all three of of my boys have to do science fair projects.
ALL. THREE.
And the thought of it makes me want to lay down in the middle of  Target and weep.
Target is my happy place.
But going to Target is not an option at this point.
I really don't have any options other than putting on my big girl pants and
getting this thing done.
I wish I had another option.
I read a book about a mom raising 5 boys.
They have a game that they play where they give each other a choice of two
horrible things that they have to choose between and make each other pick the lesser of
two evils for example:
Would you rather be constipated for the next 17 years or crawl across the 
Sahara on your hands and knees?
or
Would you rather be chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex while wearing a meat necklace or
lick a poisonous lizard 6 times?
I have decided to make up my own list of horrible things I would rather do
than have to go through with 3 science fair projects.
I thought you might enjoy it:

7 Horrible Things I Would Rather Do Than Help My Children With Science Fair:
1. Get my eyebrows waxed.
(You may think this isn't a big deal...you have never met my eyebrows....
I think they actually take off more eyebrow than they leave on my face.)
2. Eat an oyster every day for a week.
(I do not consider oysters an aphrodisiac...I agree with the comedian Jim Gaffigan...
they look like mucous in a sea shell. I feel a little gag coming on just thinking about it.)
3. Try to open 7 plastic produce bags in a row without screaming out loud.
(Plastic produce bags are the bane of my existence.
I usually break out in a full body sweat just trying to open one.)
4. Trim the climbing rose bush in our backyard in my swimsuit.
( I always look like I have gotten in a cat fight when I am done. If the roses weren't
so pretty I would hack the whole plant down with a machete.)
5. Do my taxes.
(This isn't really a choice...since I have to do both my taxes and science fair...
but at least I get to do my taxes without trying to corral and motivate 3 very
ambivalent scientists.)
6. Use the restroom while wearing a short jumpsuit that buttons up the front.
(Did you know these were back in style? I thought we saw the last of jumpsuits
in the 80's. I had a mint green and lilac plaid short jumpsuit in 7th grade.It was a
cold and vulnerable time in my life...both literally and figuratively.)
7. Be chased by a Tyrannosaurus Rex while wearing a meat necklace.
(I learned a lot about dinosaur behavior watching Jurassic Park and Meet the Robinsons.
 I think if I just stood very still in a corner so that its tiny arms could not
reach me that he would lose interest and find a Stegosaurus to snack on.

I think that about covers it.
If you are in the same boat as me, on the brink of science fair hysteria,
feel free to add your own horrible things to the list.
And then meet me at Target.
We're going to need as much happy as we can get in the coming days ahead.

3 comments:

pamela maddox said...

I'm laughing on the outside and crying on the inside (lest I confuse my 10 yr old "scientist"). I lament when the assignment comes home. Guilt ensues as I begin to think how I can change our education system and eliminate such unnerving projects. Then I realize I should watch my behavior...other littles are watching me.

My list of things I'd rather do:
1) clean up dog messes in the dead of a northwest winter after 8 days of rain

2) clean up vomit or urine in the middle of the night. In a tent. And, it's NOT. Your. Kid.

3) Make dinner on a Wednesday...after being gone and doing ministry things all day, AND there is nothing planned, AND there are NO leftovers, AND your Bible study group will be at the house in 90 minutes.

Wow. Sue, thank you. This was total therapy. Suddenly the science fair seems so less daunting. It's okay, I can handle this...just One. More. Trial.

susanna said...

Pamela - I LOVE YOUR LIST! It totally made me laugh out loud! I'm glad I am not the only one who dreads science fair!

pamela maddox said...

Seriously, Sue, thank you!! Humor is good for the soul! ❤️