Monday, August 7, 2017

turning a new page (with some tears & coffee)

Yesterday we made our way back from a fantastic family vacation in San Diego
to our home in the Bay Area.
Today I begin my new job as as a Lit and Creative Writing Teacher.
My first 40 hour a week job since Jack was born sixteen years ago.
(Don't try and do the math...I am still super young. I promise.)

Scott and I were riding in the front of the van and talking about Addie
who had developed a bad case of hives the last day of our vacation.
The Benadryl wasn't working and he would need to go in to the doctor.
Scott asked me to make the appointment for Monday.

And then the tears began streaming down my face.

Scott looked at me like "What in the World???!!!!"
(He should know by now there does not have to be any warning for tears.)
And Jack, who was listening in on the conversation said, "Mom, what's wrong?"
I couldn't talk. I told Scott to turn the music up.
Scott said, "Sue, you have to tell us what is going on."

Mid-blubber, I told him, "I am the one who takes Addie to appointments.
I am realizing I am not going to be able to do those things anymore."

Since Scott works from home and has a more flexible schedule,
he is going to be taking on some new roles
of caregiver and grocery shopper and taker to all appointments.
This new opportunity is changing things up for all of us.
He is being a rock star taking it all on. Me? Not so much.

I wiped my face and said, "This wasn't the plan."
My plan: Work from home until the last kid flew off to college....
attend as many field trips as the picker upper from school...
be the nurse on sick days...mostly, be all the things my mom was to me.

My plan was staying at home.

Jack leaned up and said, "Well, Mom, this is God's plan and you are going to do great."

That unleashed a new flood of tears.

"I am just used to being the one who helps you boys with everything.
I have loved that part of being a mom."

Jack said, "Mom, you are going to help our family in a different way now."

More tears because:
1. When did this kid become so calm and wise? He was wiping me out!
2. I am closing the door on this stay at home mom season and stepping into a new one.

I should have known I would have a break down or seven before rejoining the workforce.
It is how I respond. (Pray heavy for Scott!)

For me, there are moments of grief that accompany the joys and excitement of change.
I have loved being able to be at home with my boys.
I wouldn't change it for a minute.
And, despite the sweatiness, I know I am going to love being a teacher.
I can feel it already.

So today feels like that moment when Scott and I dropped Addie off at kindergarten.
Our last child officially in school.
Scott had to pry me from the kindergarten room window where I was lingering like a stalker.
I bawled all the way to the car.
And then the reality hit that I had a whole day in front of me to do whatever I wanted to do.
SoI wiped my tears with a grin and said, "Let's go get coffee."
It was a whole new world opening up in front of me.
It needed to celebrated.

So this morning, I am drinking a cup of coffee before I go off to my first day of school.
God keeps surprising us with His plans, doesn't He?
I don't want to miss out.

There are very few moments where you can actually look back and say,
"This is a moment where I turned a new page in my life. New story. New scene. New players."
This is one of those for me.
So I am raising my coffee cup to you this morning.
Celebrate with me. (Or cry with me...I'm good with either one.)
Here is to a new season. To changing it up. To making a lunch...for me this time around.


1 comment:

Nicole Ichimaru said...

Oh Sue, I feel your tears. Hang in there, know that God has better and bigger plans for us than we can ever imagine. It's not just about us either, God is working in all of our lives. Trust Him and know that whatever role you are playing, He will make it all come out for good, better, great! Now I'm going to pour a cup of coffee too and cry for you, me, and all the other mothers who have faced this threshhold, but I know it's going to work out. Stay strong sister, keep trusting, keep loving, be ready for whatever comes your way on this new road. With the Lord by your've got this!! ~Nicole