When Scott and I came back to California to plant a church,
I had a lot of thoughts about what it might be like.
I knew that the process would stretch me.
Oh, how I have been stretched.
And pummelled. And on several occasions, humiliated.
Mostly in regards to leading worship.
It's all the pride I have welling up in me like a verdant fountain.
I really do prefer to keep up appearances.
But when you are leading worship, you are vulnerable.
You're up front. Laying it all out there.
And if something goes awry....there is no where to hide.
The latest, in a long line of worship leading gaffs, took place yesterday.
All of our other worship leaders who play instruments were out of town.
So I agreed to lead acapella with my sister, Jenny.
We've sung together for years - no big deal, right?
It was just a small group of us. The first two songs were fine.
Harmonies interwoven. People joining in.
Then I tried to do something different.
There is a cool Casting Crowns song I've been listening to a lot lately.
And now my life song sings.
We were going to listen once through and then join in singing the song.
So we all listened to it, meditating on the words.
Unfortunately, there was a small skip towards the end of the song.
I felt a little flutter in my stomach.
I giggled a bit nervously as I popped the CD out,
rubbed it on my shirt and put it back in so we could sing along.
Dear God in heaven, why didn't I just let us listen to it and move on?
As we started to sing along there was just not one skip but a cacophony of skips.
Kind of sounding like small jackhammer.
Let my -Ck- ck-ck-ca-ck-ck-ck-to-ckca-you!
And here I was trying to follow along, trying to match the pauses,
figure out what words it would skip and trying to sing over the top of it.
I once was blind but n-ck-ck-ca-I-see-ck-ck-ca!
I felt the heat begin to rise up my neck.
I glanced over at Jenny, who was looking sympathetic and nodding.
I once was bl-ck-ck-but-ck-ck-ca-I-s-ck-ck-ca!
I couldn't bear to look at anyone else.
God bless our church,
they were right there with me, singing, pausing, jumping notes.
I reached over and stopped the CD, trying to keep singing.
The loss of the music, even skip filled music,
sent us into a downward spiral of notes,
since no one really knew the song and heaven knows,
we needed the Casting Crowns to sing back-up.
I brought it to a quick close and turned it over to Scott
but not before having a full body sweat through and feeling slightly nauseated.
Many friends have told me they enjoy hearing of my humiliating experiences.
I keep praying they will come to an end. Soon.
But I have this awful feeling, that as long as I keep trying to lead worship,
there are many more to come.