Monday, March 23, 2009

getting big

I think one of the craziest things about being a mom is the dailiness of it.
One day rolls into the next with all the laundry, dishes and toy picking up.
So sometimes we are caught off guard when dailiness turns into yearly-ness.
Wasn't it just yesterday that Jack was starting pre-school?
How is he going to be 8?
Wasn't Will just toddling around the side of the house to eat green tomatoes of off the vine?
How did he just lose his first tooth?
Isn't Addie my baby?
How can he do puzzles and count to 20 (10...11....12...14...17...20) and open doors
without assistance?
Both Addison and Jack have birthdays this week.
And somehow the dailiness of mothering, the ins and outs of diapering and washing clothes and rocking babies has segued into correcting math problems and learning to sound out blends like st- and tr- and riding bikes with no training wheels.
Somehow my babies have turned into boys.
And you think I would rejoice about this because for 8 years I have thought,
"Oh my Lord, I can't wait til they are out of diapers."
And yet on the cusp of this new season of boy-dom I find myself thinking,
"What will I do without a little one?"
Because I am psycho like that. It's this thing that sits in my gut and says,
They are changing. Every day these boys are becoming more of who they are.
And this time of babies and craziness and sweetness is ending.

Of course, this all points to the piercing truth that they are becoming independent.
Which is all at once fantastic and terrible.
Just writing this makes me want to take to my bed.
No one takes to their bed these days because we are too busy but I think we should bring it back like the 90's brought back bell bottoms.
Because I need some time to process all this change
and tucked under a quilt would be a nice place to do it.
I need some time to grieve the family that I am losing.
The family that had baby teeth and stayed home with me and needed cuddles every day.
And then I need some time to figure out how to fully enjoy this new family
we are becoming.
The family that does not require a diaper bag or rigid napping schedules or sippy cups.
I love Sara Groves' song, Small Piece of You,
on her Station Wagon: Songs for New Parents album.
She sings to her infant son saying,
I just want a small piece of you, something to put in my pocket.
and then goes on to say
I hope that you go see the world. I hope that you take flight.
But please, please, please, don't forget to write.
Don't forget to write your mother, don't forget to write
.
Because it echoes the juxtaposition that I feel in my soul.
Yes, by all means, get big....but don't ever leave me.
Okay, leave me because that's healthy and even though I am clearly not healthy
since I am so conflicted, I would like you to be healthy....
but don't forget how much I love you and that I poured out my life for you on a daily basis for years and years...and years.
No pressure, boys.
As you can see, clearly I am wreck and not just because I have to make cupcakes 4 times this week (2 school parties, 2 family parties).
(Just think how wacked out I'll be when they ACTUALLY leave home...
sweet mercy...let's not think of it.)
So bear with me in my fragile emotional state.
My boys are getting big.


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11 comments:

Rachel said...

It's as if you took the thoughts straight from my head...

Kara said...

Wow. I can't picture you in this new phase either. I get weepy when I look at my 3 yr old and already see a kindergartner in that sweet little face.

E-Mo-Tio-Nal!!!

Hang in there. One day they will all be in school and you will soothe these cares away all ALONE in a Starbucks Cafe in the middle of the day - for no darn reason! That should help you a little!! :-)

Girly Muse said...

this made me cry big crocodile tears. i feel like i am having this exact realization THIS week. in mourning.

if you take to your bed, i will too. in fact, i dare you. but let me know...because i can't just DO it by myself. that would be...unheard of.

scott aughtmon said...

Why you gotta make me feel sad!?! :)

Mark Einersen said...

Okay I'm writing under my husband name because I don't know how to change it yet. :) I'm Melissa. This is so where I am. It's scary but exciting. I look forward to the days of no naps, trips were they don't melt down because they are so sleepy! Where I can go to the library for longer than 5 mintues before getting kicked out. But scary because I'm not sure how to parent this age...tweens! I have 3 girls 9, 6 and 3. I even think about have more. But is it because I want more babies or because mine are growing up, the family is changing and I don't want it too? Changing diapers, cleaning up spit up, and night feedings sound so much easier. Can't I just stay there?

BizzieLizzie said...

Awwww - I can SO relate. My Lizzie will be 10 next month and as hard as I try to let her just be "her" - I crave that baby that is gone and want to cradle her one more time and feed her a bottle while she twirls my hair and gazes into my eyes. Yes, I know what you mean, but I can't think about this today - I'll think about this tomorrow!! =0) (((HUGS)))

Marie-France said...

I cant stop the tears...stop it Sue!

Leslie said...

Crying at work right now. Don't want them to stop being my babies.

lyndabyrd said...

I guess it's part of that motherhood thing. I've been going thru this for a while. My baby boy will be 20 in Aug. He's still at home as is my almost 25 yr. old daughter. But this, too, will come to change. All I can say is treasure each day, even with all the work it entails. And just grab those opportunities to get baby fixes whenever you can! I may giver her a bad time, but I still love it when my almost 25yr old sits on my lap for a cuddle!

Rene G. said...

I am sooo at this moment right now. My little guy is going double digits in May :(

Lora said...

I definitely relate, Sue! I have been mourning my baby Josiah growing up so fast and taking all the childhood out of my home with him! He will soon stop saying those cute, innocent, naive things. Every phase of kids is fun, but it's hard to truly say goodbye to certain ones!