Wednesday, May 26, 2010

i may be an unfit mother

Really what I want is to have neat, clean, well-mannered children.
And I think, as of tonight, I have utterly failed.
Take for example what happened earlier this evening.
Situation #1:
I had discovered both pairs of Jack's uniform pants had holes in the knees.
Not little holes. Not I-can-use-a-patch-on-them holes.
But ripped-clear-from-seam-to-seam holes that show the entirety of his knee.
He has roughly two weeks left of school.
Do I really want to fork out $20 just so he can rough up another pair of pants?
Not so much.
But could I find a needle? No.
I found some huge baby huey sized diaper pins and did a hack sewing job on the knees.
They look un-kempt, puckered, and ghetto-licous but I got 'er done.
It's not pretty, girls, but it's all I have in me at this point.
Situation #2:
Then while folding the laundry I realized I had no clean underwear for one of the boys.
(Names excluded to protect the (not really) innocent.)
And then it dawned on me.
This could only be because he has not given me any underwear to wash.
This could only be because he has been sporting the SAME pair of underwear all week long.
So I asked him, "Why haven't I washed any of your underwear?
Have you been wearing the same underwear all week?"
His answer was an ebullient grin.
Yes! He had been wearing the same underwear all week long.
A triumph for all boy-kind!
He had evaded the "change-your-underwear-every-day" law and it had taken his mother all week long to ferret out the truth.
I've lost my ferreting skills. A sad and sorry state of events.
And an even sorrier state of events?
I don't want to ferret out dirty underwear truth anymore.
These boys need to get a cleanliness revelation and apparently, it isn't coming from me.
Situation #3:
At dinner this evening, I realized I had forgotten the one thing I wanted to get at Trader Joe's. Blister peanuts.
I have been using them for trail mix and I am in love with them.
Forgetting where I was and who I was with, I exclaimed rather suddenly,
"Oh, man! I forgot my peanuts!"
With unfettered glee, all 4 boys, husband included, burst out laughing.
Then the children proceeded to start chanting,
"I forgot my peanuts. I forgot my peanuts."
At this point, the 4 year old laid an all knowing hand on my shoulder and said,
"Mom, that's another word for privates."
Which sent the boys into gales of laughter and tales of other things they might have forgotten which I will not mention here.
So the question is....
Are my children neat? No.
Are they semi-clean? Nope.
Are they well mannered? Not even close.
This day is a complete wash.
It's time to hit the chocolate, people, and hope for a better tomorrow.

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henryjz said...

Sue, after having met your family last week... I am laughing all the more! But I'm laughing WITH you... not AT you :)

Dana said...

Sue darling, you have not failed, you have been welcomed into the world of boys. #1 the pants are a trophy to him, the holes signify his boyhood on the field, who wants a clean uniform with no holes,other boys may wonder if he has been on the bench to much?? #2 The underwear. unless they smell, does it really matter. he is being enviromental, saving you time and effort and water. #3 now you have been adopted into their secret language, it is all about the peanuts. go girl. my boy gives me the biggest hugs and loves but... not in public. dana shalom

Pamela said...

Don't tell your kids (they might get a crazy idea) but the oldest man in our house (aka, "the big guy") used to grab a handful of clean underwear and throw them in the wash so his mom wouldn't know he hadn't changed all week!

I just want to know, is there really any good that can come out of wearing dirty "chonies"???

These are exciting times!!

Jen said...


Katy W. said...

I've always been told that in this line of business (people-shaping), you won't know if you've succeeded or not until twenty years or so down the road when you get to see the kind of life they are living when they make choices and rules for themselves. Today may be a wash (and i'll join you with the chocolate!), but don't forget to glimpse the overall picture and start again tomorrow. (and look forward to the day when it's THEIR kids who have no underwear in the hamper!)

Nichola said...

You made me laugh out loud!!! Really glad I found your blog (via the gorgeous Diza)
much love to ya xx

Ginger said...


I love you! You give us all hope! : )

Great Blog!

Nicole Unice said...

I am so happy to find your blog. What your family does have is humor, and thank God for unwashed, ungrateful, unkempt (but funny) kids focused on what the word "neuter" means for our dinner conversation, and I wonder, what kind of families do family devotions at the dinner table? Does that really happen????