Monday, November 29, 2010

jillian michaels did me wrong

So my friends, Jenn and Rene,
had recommended Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred workout to me.
This work out video is supposed to shred all the things off of me
that I no longer desire to be a part of me.
They warned me that Jillian, of Biggest Loser fame,
is mean even on dvd and she is, but I thought I could take it.
I took it as a challenge.
I thought I would do it for the 30 days up until my birthday.
Or maybe just 5.
Because on the fifth day, I woke up with kink in my neck.
But I thought,
surely a kink in my neck won't stop me from shredding myself.
I was wrong.
Somehow the kink combined with Jillian
telling me that my neck was not invited to her stomach crunches party
sent my neck muscle into full spasm.
Which meant that not only could I not turn my head after shredding
but that the muscle that runs from the
base of my skull to the bottom of my shoulder blade on the left side
seized up and had me walking around like Quasi Moto.
Did you know that you have a muscle that goes
from the base of your skull to the bottom of your shoulder blade?
You do now.
And now that you know that you do, I have a word of advice...
treat it with kindness lest it curse at you daily and remind you
that you shouldn't do pushups and such when it is tender.
So we are now one month out from day 5 and I have yet to shred again.
I am certain this did not happen because I only exercise 3 times a year and
was ill prepared for such a vigorous exercise routine.
I am also certain that it had nothing to do with the fact that each
year I happen to be getting increasingly older and decreasingly limber.
And I am positive that it has nothing to do with the fact that
my form, when I do exercise, is more like an awkward toddler
who does not know how to master its limbs
than a nimble athlete taking on a simple workout.
Clearly, Jillian Michaels and her meanness was my undoing.
She needs to lighten up and get a little nicer.
Then maybe my neck will forgive her.

4 comments:

***** April J. Jones said...

Sue, I would have to agree with your assessment...it was most defintitely Jillian's fault! Ü

Girly Muse said...

you know, jillian michaels did ME wrong too, now that you mention it! and now i am about month 5 out from day 8 1/2...grrr.

i'm thinking chiropractors must be jillian's biggest fans. ;)

hope you feel ALL better soon.

Rachel said...

Susanna, I love that you are human just like the rest of us! A kink in the neck is the worst! I hope your neck feels normal soon, my friend!

Heidi v. said...

That really sucks. BUT - the more you strengthen that muscle, the better your crunches will be and the more likely that you WON'T hurt your neck. It is VERY hard not to strain your muscle doing crunches. If you are new to crunches, why not just do less of them in the time slot, or do every second one. It would definitely not be recommended to go at the pace the DVD is at. With every exercise on 30 day shred - do it correctly the first few times THEN try to work up to their speed. Push yourself within your limits, not someone else's. I hope your neck feels better though.