Tuesday, February 14, 2012

my house smells like feet

The other night, Scott and I came home from a date and our niece Katherine who was babysitting had just put
the children to bed.
The house smelled weird like old cheese and vinegar.
I looked at Katherine.
"What is that smell?"
"I don't know."
I think that her nostrils were seared by the scent and
she was unable to locate the smell.
I started walking around the room, sniffing the air like a
blood hound.
I ended up by the end table near the couch.
Lookind down, I saw one of my son's pair of shoes.
I picked them up and as I brought the close to my face,
I was hurled back on the couch by
the sheer power of their odor.
I think I may have been caught up in a victorian swoon.
"Sweet mercy, that is awful...Katherine...smell this!"
She obliged and her nostrils sprung back to life.
"Ohhhhhh, noooooo!"
(Why do we make other people smell terrible things when
we know they are hideous?)
I dumped them in the shoe basket in the living room hoping
to contain the smell.
Scott walked by the shoe basket a few minutes later.
"Did something die in here? What is that smell?"
It was at the moment the shoes were consigned to the out of
doors and were banished, henceforth,  from the house.
They soon met their demise. So long, shoes. Don't come back. Ever.
I continued my investigative skills the next morning.
I had each child bring me their shoes to smell.
Each smelled more wretched than the next.
They are apparently breeding ground for bacteria and funk.
Finally I yelled out, "Who is not wearing socks?"
They were all guilty.
Apparently they think I buy them socks to use as hand puppets
not as a protective layering to wear on their feet.
It became apparent we could not undo the stench that had been
wrought in their shoes.
New shoes were in order. So now every child has a brand new pair
of unfunkified shoes. And I have become the sock enforcer.
I peer into the children's eyes at the breakfast table.
"Do you have socks on? Show me!"
So the cleansing of the air in my house has begun.
And I have purchased a new plug in room freshener to aid in
the air control.
Hopefully, we are a new path of sock wearing and foot deoderizing.
One can only hope.


Cameron Dezen Hammon said...

I love everything about this post. Currently, my house smells like wet Basset Hound. I feel your pain. :)

susanna said...

I pray that my house smells better by the time I get home!

Elefterios Makis said...

You sound mentally ill.