This past year I wrote a book on control issues.
Most people write books because they are experts on the subject.
I write because it is part of my journey of following Jesus.
If I am on expert on anything it is that I am an expert on inner struggle.
Not really something that you would put on a resume.
But I don't think I am so different from most Christ followers.
We triumph...we fall...we get back up and Jesus helps us dust off our knees...
and we continue on the journey of following, listening, questioning, worshiping
and rejoicing, asking him to shape our lives into something that glorifies him.
It is a mixed bag. But it is the only bag I want.
It is the only journey that leads to freedom and love and redemption.
So back to control issues.
It seems that in this season in my life, Jesus is once again gently prying my
fingers off of my own life. Asking me to trust him.
Reminding me that only he knows what is coming next.
Pulling me towards him. Trying to quell the anxious flailing that is going on
in my spirit when I don't know what the future holds.
I have tried to remind him,
"I wrote a book about this...letting go, trusting you, getting free...remember?"
And it seems he is saying, "Yep....I remember...now I want to you live it."
He is asking me to live in a place of uncertainty and anchor myself in who he is
rather than try and rearrange my circumstances.
He is asking me to wait on his direction instead barging ahead on a frantic
path of anxiety.
And you know what? It's hard.
It seems that I am incredibly human after all.
I don't bend to his will or words so easily.
But I read this this morning,
"For I am the Lord Your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar.
My name is the Lord Almighty.
And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely within my hand.
I set all the stars in space and established the earth.
I am the one who says to Israel, "You are mine!" (Isaiah 51:15-16)
Why would I choose to wrench myself free from the one who so gently holds
my heart and life in his palm?
Who am I to say what is the best or the greatest or the right path for me...
when the one who calls me to follow him has laid the foundations of the earth
and breathed life into all of humanity?
How can I not, one more time,
turn my face towards the one who has set the sun in the heavens and named the stars?
So this morning, I'm taking a deep non-controlling breath and saying to Jesus,
"You are right. I am yours. Do your thing. I will trust you."
Even when I don't have a clue about what is coming around the next corner.
Or maybe...
especially because I don't have a clue about what is coming around the next corner.
And because according to the One who established the earth...
He's got this, too.
2 comments:
Thanks, Sue! I really needed to be reminded of that right now. It's not easy to lean in when it feels like your stomach is still back at the last hill and your knuckles are white just trying to stay in the car. I'm not much for thrill rides, especially when the ride is this thing we call Life. But He's in control, and He knows where this train is heading. (I just know that it WILL pull into the station at some point.) :)
Kim! I am so with you. I always say that conflict and tension make for a great story....but I don't really enjoy living it! It is good to know we are not on this white knuckle journey alone, isn't it?
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