Yesterday was one of those days where I had Jen Hatmaker's phrase come to mind,
"Fix it, Jesus, fix it."
I sat at my desk after my last class pondering how the class had gone down.
Thinking about my lesson. My approach. My ability to challenge young minds.
My classroom management skillz. Skillz with a z because z stands for zero.
Then my mind shifted to my house that I was headed home to.
The one that looks like the Wreck of the Hesperus.
This ship is featured in a maritime poem in where said ship was obliterated.
That would be my living room.
I have this weird thing where if my house is a wreck..I feel like a wreck.
And then I thought about how I am pretty sure that
2/3 of my boys did not pack their lunch and had eaten air or dollar cup o' noodles
from the snack bar, which is sure to petrify their insides with monosodium glutamate.
Then my super positive train of thought led me to think about
the pile of grading on my desk,
the devotions I am editing over the weekend,
the week-long field trip I am prepping for in 2 weeks,
the retreat I am speaking at in 3 weeks, and
the fact that Scott and I haven't gone a real date in...I actually can't remember how long.
Then the thought popped into my mind that Jack will be leaving for college in less than a year.
That thought alone lays me out flat. Oh..and that he needs tennis shoes. There's that.
(I am not kidding, people, this is exactly how my mind works. PRAY HEAVY.)
Then I think,
Am I doing what am I am supposed to be doing right now?
Is there something that I am missing?
Is there some way that I can sew up all the jagged edges of my soul
and make this piecemeal life of mine have some semblance of order?
Am I missing out on my destiny and that is why life feels so wild?
(And by destiny, I clearly mean, a life without issues, tragedy, stress, and cup o' noodles?)
The word "destiny" always reminds me of George McFly in Back to the Future approaching
his future wife and saying, "You are my density."
Maybe in this season...my destiny (or density) is in question. Because I feel undone.
So. Then we come back to the clearly needed prayer of "Fix it, Jesus, fix it."
And as I was doing all this thinking (worrying, kvetching, sulking, stressing out) yesterday,
I was struck by the thought (HOLY SPIRIT, IS THAT YOU?)
that Jesus may not be that concerned about altering my circumstances.
Of course, there are moments in time when yes, absolutely,
in order to bring hope or healing or change that
He shifts the earth on its axis to change the course of my life
(marriage, motherhood, speaking in public, teaching middle school, anyone?)
But mostly, in the ordinary every day scheme of things?
He is using my circumstances to shape my soul.
Those rough uneven edges of my life are whittling away all pretenses and pride.
I am in desperate need of a Savior...and it shows.
The pressure of work and home and church and parenting are squeezing me.
What is coming out? Apparently some anger, discontentment, and a hearty helping of sarcasm.
I get snarky when life feels tight and overwhelming.
And the people that surround me? Jesus has them there to show me who I am.
I see my life mirrored in their eyes.
Am I loving? Am I forgiving? Am I gentle with my words? Am I ushering in hope and peace?
I don't know.
What are my people saying? How are they feeling around me?
Is Jesus spilling out of me when life is cracking open my heart?
Maybe. Sometimes. Possibly not yesterday.
These pressures and hard places and impossible challenges...this life that I am living...
Jesus doesn't want to "fix it."
He is fixing....me.
With love and hope and prodding and prying and some uncomfortable situations.
He is allowing this world and all of its imperfectness to rub against my hopes and dreams
and reveal my destiny.
My destiny is not about what I am doing.
It is about who I am becoming.
And WHOSE I am becoming.
A little more each day...we are becoming...like Him.
From glory to glory.
(Or from Wreck of the Hesperus to Wreck of the Hesperus...it means the same thing.)
Our character is revealed more in our failures than our successes.
Our hearts are re-shaped during trials and struggles.
His glory at work in you and me...in real life...right now.
And if we let Him...He will use every single thing in our lives,
the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the difficult and the joyful,
to pour out His life through ours.
A collaborative destiny.
And that is a beautiful destiny to be a part of, don't you think?
5 comments:
So true and so beautifully said and so much what I need to be reminded of right now. Thank you, Sue!
I didn't know a Dr. took my left Thyroid out until 12 years later. I almost died in February of this year. I felt my life was leaving my body and I was admitted to the hospital because I was to weak to stand up. I went from 206 lbs. to 158 lbs. People prayed for me and finally 2/16/2018 I had an appointment the same day my granddaughter had an appointment in Pittsburgh,Pa.She has DiGeorge syndrome. So I Thank God that we both had an appointment that day because I have no vehicle and I was not strong enough to drive. This Endocrinologist scheduled me a sonogram of my Thyroid and that's how I found out that I had no left Thyroid. This was the Power of God that kept me alive. I've should have been on Synthroid since 2006 and I wasn't aware of it. The Dr. who took my Thyroid only told me that he was doing a Biopsy. So now if I want to live I have to take Synthroid. I shared this with you because I read your story in a Devotion book called Morning with Jesus 2015 Daily Encouragement from your Soul 365 Devotions. It was about your back. Have A Very Blessed Amazing Great Day with the Lord Today and Everyday. God Bless Everyone. Love and Prayers.
Wow! I thought I was the only one who felt this way! Thank you for this blog you have helped me more than you know. I just learned about you through Mornings with Jesus 2018 edition. You are now my favorite bookmark! Blessings to you and your family.
Thank you so much, I needed this. Well said. I feel like such a failure at times but I know God is working on me.
I learned about you through “Mornings with Jesus”. Your words and thoughts inspire me to keep trying to be a better version of myself and not give up as we are a work in progress. Thank you.
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