I've been introspective this week,
bound up in the house with my stomach flu ridden family.
Scott kept calling me "Typhoid Susie".
He said even though I never got it,
I was the carrier who kept passing it on to everyone else.
Maybe it's true. I hope not.
But either way, it's left me a bit exhausted and emotionally spent.
Being locked up in the house,
I found myself saddled with time for thinking.
Time for looking at myself and how I am doing on this quest
of learning to follow Jesus and be more like him.
And I found, in a way, I am struggling with the same things
I struggled with ten years ago. My longing for control.
It may look at bit different but it's still me,
trying to get life to be the way I think it should be.
I really do want to let God do what he wants to do in my life each day.
But I was extremely irritated with how the flu rearranged my world.
We had plans last week, people. We really did.
My mom was coming to stay.
She lives far away and her visits are like gold.
Precious and to be treasured.
The world stops when Mom and Dad come to visit
because you want to soak up every minute of being together with them.
There were cups of tea, a birthday party and
a tour of Filoli Gardens on the horizon. Oh the joy!
And on Saturday morning, the dreaded flu, took Mom down
and took our plans down with it.
Try as I might, I just could not get that flu under my thumb,
no matter how much Purell I made my family use.
I became a hand sanitizer nazi this week.
And no matter how much I wish I was otherwise,
I get a little cranky and mean when I don't get my way.
And while I know that no one likes to be around a control freak,
that doesn't keep me from being one.
And while I also know that I don't have any control in this life,
that it is all an illusion, I still keep grabbing for it,
trying to reel it in, trying to get God to do things my way.
Most of my prayers these days revolve around
what I would like Him to do for me,
how I think he should arrange the world,
and wondering why, for goodness sakes,
is he taking so long to answer my prayers.
And then I had one of those hurtful thoughts,
that the Holy Spirit likes to squeeze in
between your thoughts of Radio Disney and pepto-bismal,
a question really, of do I really love God or
am I just trying to see what I can get out of Him.
Am I soaking him up, all his goodness and mercy and love, to pass on,
Or am I trying to squeeze him dry,
fit him in my mold and make him answer to me.
And it shook me a bit.
Because looking back on this week of flu,
I think I've been trying to put the squeeze on God.
And you'd think after 36 years, I would realize it doesn't work that way.
And all my lunging for control, has left me a bit on the dry side.
Like an old crusty sponge. I have nothing left to give.
I really can't tell you the last time I actually sat down,
with no agenda, and had a good conversation with God.
I'm so busy trying to get things laid out evenly in my life,
I forget to hang out with God and just soak up who he is.
Or listen for his voice and see if he has a few thoughts
on how I should be living this life he has given me.
I'm thinking I need to spend some time with Jesus.
Because time with him is like gold.
Precious and to be treasured.
I want to be full of his goodness instead of feeling wrung out.
And if I happen to find some of that sweet grace and mercy
and a little forgiveness for trying to rule the world....
I'm gonna soak it up.