the dress

So my sister, Jenny, and I were in target because
target is where dreams come true.
You can buy toothpaste and a couch at the same store.
That doesn't just happen anywhere.
Jenny was talking about how she needed a dress
for an upcoming wedding.
She was talking about how cute that shiny dress was.
That dress that I thought could be the sparkly will of God for me.
That dress with its vintage feel and sassy neckline.

And I said, "You can't have my dress!
I searched the internet for that dress.
I copied the link....it's here at target...
Let's go try it on!"
They only carried it in navy and black, no rosy plum.
So we each grabbed the SWOG dress. (sparkly will of God)
And that is where the sparkle ended, tsgs.
Because it did not look like it did in the picture once it was on.
The waist was large and billowy when it was not meant to billow but hug.
It sat about two inches above the natural waistline which
does not bode well for those of us shortwaisted gals.
This meant it rode slightly lower than the chestal region.
And I must say it was mainly meant for those who do not have a
significant chestal region because the bodice was so very tight
it constricted the breathing to halted gasping and hissing.
Jenny and I could only speak in staccato like sentences to each other.
All excess of skin was left to flee for it's very life.
My excess skin took the high road and chose to pour out of the poorly
constructed armholes, creating an awkward underarm flap.
I think I will have to rename the dress because I know for
certain that it is not God's will for me, sparkly or not.
Maybe it should be "the sparkly-not-God's-will-at-all dress" or
"the sparkly-horrid-breath-stealing-dress from the pit of hell" or
"the sparkly-shame-on-Isaac-Mizrahi-
for-using-ill-fitting-designs-for-his-target-line dress".
Whatever the name, Jenny and I decided something.
Toothpaste from target? Yes. Christmas decorations? Yes.
Shampoo? Paper Goods? 200 thread count sheets?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Shiny dresses?
Never ever. Nope. Not ever. Don't even think about it.
Go to Macy's.